Empty Arms on Mother's Day

This post was originally written two years ago. It remains one of the most read posts on this blog. I thought I would publish it again. I hope it can help someone on this Mother's Day.

Today is Mother's Day. It has been a wonderful day filled with kisses and homemade cards and hugs and sweet, sweet smiles from my two adorable children. They are the light in my day, my hope for the future, my reason to keep going because I know they are depending on me to teach them and help them and love them. I will be eternally grateful for them.

But Mother's Day wasn't always sweet and wonderful. For a long time, there were no kisses or hugs or homemade cards. There was just the hole in my heart that could only be filled with children. For 9 long years my arms ached to hold a baby I could call my own.  My husband and I tried all the meds out there. We started the adoption process a couple of times, but for some reason, that was not the path we were to take. Finally it came down to trying in vitro or just accepting the fact that it may just be the two of us for the rest of our lives.

We tried the in vitro and against our specific odds, odds which caused the doctors to be skeptical that we would have a positive outcome, we were blessed with a beautiful daughter. Then 18 months later, I discovered I was pregnant with a little boy! Wowsers! Two children when I thought I may never have any!

Some of you reading this may have found yourself in this same situation - or you know someone or love someone who is dealing with infertility issues. I'm writing this to you. It may be just one of you, but I'm betting there are more. In fact, I know several women who are struggling with infertility or trying to adopt and I wish I could put you all in one room where you could all talk together. But the problem with that is that you are each individuals and you may compare yourselves to others or think that no one really understands you or that the other women don't have it as hard as you do. I know. I've felt those same feelings. So I guess this needs to be done on an individual basis.

I want to tell you how the Savior took my hand and helped me through those long years.

Before I do that, I need to say here that before I had children, I used to hear women who already had children, whine to me - to ME! (who had no children) - that they couldn't have any more children and how hard that was for them. I could hear the pain in their voices, but all I could think of was that they had a child or children to love when I had none. How could they compare their pain to mine?! I now understand what they were feeling, as I would love to have more children, but I try very hard to remember the pain and emptiness I felt before being blessed with children and then I calm down because yes, I do have children to love and my arms are not empty. I need to be grateful for the blessings I have.

That doesn't mean I don't still feel some pain and longing. Here is where I can still understand the pain that women feel who long for children, whether they don't have any yet, or want more.

I feel sincere joy when other women tell me they are expecting and I love to be around new babies and wrap myself in their straight-from-heanveness. Yes, it tugs at my wanting-more-babies heart strings but most days I'm at peace with my situation. I worked very, very hard to overcome bitterness and self-pity and ingratitude. I erroneously thought that once I finally did have a child all of those longings would go away but it comes and goes and on most days, I feel peace.

...On most days...

Satan works hard on me in this area. He whispers stupid lies in my ears like, "No more children want to come to your home." "You are doing such a bad job with the two children you do have, Heavenly Father doesn't trust you enough to send more children to you." "You are not a strong enough or intelligent enough or patient enough woman to be able to have more than two children." among other things. Like I said, STUPID LIES and I know they are stupid but he is so danged persistent.  It is one of the areas he thinks he can get to me in the battle for my soul and I will admit these lies of his hurt me as if they were arrows aimed at my heart. I am wounded and sometimes weak in this area. But he's not going to win this battle because during those 9 long waiting years, I learned how to do a few things...

I learned how to dig deep within myself to find the super duper thick trust in God that tends to settle at the bottom of my heart.

I learned how to close my eyes and recall the images of Sara and Hannah and Elisabeth from the bible - waiting and waiting and waiting for a child and then only having one child, yet being powerful women in God's kingdom.

I learned how to imagine myself into the eternities and know that this life is not all there is and that someday, if I am faithful, all of my righteous desires will be fulfilled.

I learned how to recite Isaiah 55:8 over and over again, "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord."

I learned how to let the Savior take me into His arms and carry me out of this dark and scary place that could lead to depression, bitterness, sorrow and ingratitude. He holds me tighter and acknowledges that He knows it is hard and He knows I am wounded and that He is doing all He can to help me make it out of the faith smothering jungle wherein so many women in this situation find themselves. As I cling to Him, I know He can do what He is promising. So even though I can't see the path clearly in front of me, I trust that He can and I hang on even tighter.

Our Father in Heaven is in control and if I have learned anything in this life, it is to TRUST HIS JUDGMENT. So, the rest is in His Hands. He is in charge and yes, I WILL TRUST HIM! He knows what I do not know and sees what I do not see.

"How did you learn this?" you might ask. Well, I had a choice. I could let my empty arms become filled with bitterness and sorrow, or I could wrap them around Someone who understood bitterness and sorrow and learned to overcome it Himself. I chose to do the latter.  "Jesus partook of history’s bitterest cup without becoming bitter!" ("Enduring Well" by Elder Neal A. Maxwell)

He went to your saddest place and found the way out. Let Him lead you out of your darkness into His light where, although we may not get all we desire in this life, we CAN trust Him and His love.

Some days that is all you can hold onto... but at least your arms won't be empty.

(p.s. This lesson doesn't just apply to waiting for children)

To read follow up posts on this topic, click on these links...

How I Survived Those Waiting Years
I Will Stand Still for You

Today

The Eternal Significance of Today

If you follow the events of the last week of our Savior's life upon this earth, you will know that on this day, Thursday, this happened...

and then this happened...

 and then this happened.

Because  that happened,

this can happen...

forgiveness and understanding,

compassion and love.

"And being in an agony he prayed more earnestly: and his sweat was as it were great drops of blood falling down to the ground." St. Luke 22:44

"And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people." Alma 7:11

Today marks the beginning of the three most significant days in the history of the world. Sadly, the world will not stop to commemorate or even remember this.
Will we?

He suffered alone so that we won't have to.

One question to ask ourselves today is, "Why did He do what He did?"

He gave us the answer:

"For behold, I, God have suffered these things for all, that they might not suffer if they would repent;
"but if they would not repent they must suffer even as I;
"Which suffering caused myself, even God, the greatest of all to tremble because of pain, and to bleed at every pore, and to suffer both body and spirit - and would that I might not drink the bitter cup, and shrink - 
"Nevertheless, glory be to the Father, and I partook and finished my preparations unto the children of men.
"Wherefore, I command you again to repent..."
Doctrine and Covenants 19:16-20

The more I get to know the Savior, the more I don't hear Him say, "Wherefore, I command you again to repent..." in a dictator, pointing finger type voice. I hear Him pleading with love for us. He knows what we do not know and sees what we do not see and so He knows that if we will just follow His rules, we will be okay now and in the eternities and nothing would make Him happier. That is why He says,
"If ye love me keep my commandments." John 14:5

For today, think of those moments in the Garden of Gethsemane when He thought of you.

Remember...

 

Does anyone need this today?

After a sabbath day of fasting for some specific blessings and answers to prayers, I opened up my scriptures and this is the verse my eyes rested upon...

"...I will show unto you a God of miracles, even the God of Abraham, and the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob; and it is that same God who created the heavens and the earth, and all things that in them are." Mormon 9:11


What does that mean?

The God who made this

and these,

 is the same God who can help with this

 "Be still and know that I am God"

 Psalms 46:10 

"Being still" absolutely does not mean doing nothing. "Being still" takes enormous amounts of faith and hope and a lot of time on our knees and in the scriptures. It means stepping outside of ourselves to serve others and helping others in their quest to "be still". It means trusting that God knows what He is doing and giving our fears over to Him to take care of. It means letting ourselves keep the commandment to be at peace and to even find joy and happiness in the middle of it all.

The God who organized the universe can take whatever is causing you to feel unorganized spiritually and emotionally and make it into something beautiful and glorious!

Think about that for a moment...maybe you feel chaos in your heart or in your mind and you just don't know how to settle things down and let yourself be at peace. Then, imagine the Savior, using His creative powers, scientific understanding, experience and LOVE to take that chaos in your heart and organize it into a beautiful creation of peace and love and hope swirling with the brilliant clusters of stars, cosmic gas and dust that have developed within our hearts.

 He creates galaxies within us.
He knows how to do that. Really! I actually think he loves doing that for us. He can and He WILL! I emphasize He WILL because if you are like me, you have faith that He CAN but you don't always have faith that He WILL. He will, if you let Him with your faith and your obedience. (Note: Creating galaxies takes time - lots of time.)

Let God be the Master Creator, Organizer, Peace Giver and Scientist - because...well...He is.

Maybe He says, "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways 
my ways, saith the Lord." Isaiah 55:8

But that doesn't mean that you won't get what you want. It just means that we are like the toddlers and He is the more experienced parent. The toddler knows what he wants but it isn't always what is best for him or even what is the most wonderful for him. The experienced parent, however, sees the whole picture and can and will give that toddler exactly what is needed and what is often more than the toddler could have even hoped because of the toddler's limited view of life.

Sometimes when He says, "...my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways..." He isn't necessarily saying that we are wrong in wanting what we want. He is saying that in order for us to get what we want, we must be willing to do things His way. Or maybe He is just saying that He has something even better in store and He wants us to just trust Him and be patient. Trusting and patience can be hard for toddlers but it is what we are just gonna have to do! :)

Let God be the experienced parent - because...well...He is.

I want to write about how I know all of this to be true - but there is so much I don't even know where to begin. I have been learning this truth from the moment I was born and I know I will continue to learn it for the rest of my life. I'm getting better though and I'm trusting more and I'm more at peace at this time in my life than ever before - even though there is the potential for great heartache right now. I can see the glorious light of hope shining brighter than any dark cloud threatening a storm.

I'm learning how to "Be still" and it feels really nice.
I don't know how to create a galaxy (yet) and I am most definitely more of a toddler than an experienced parent. I'm going to let Him be in control. Things will work out better that way.

Here are some helpful talks I have read in the past couple of days that have reminded me of great and peaceful lessons:

"There Is Always Hope" 
John H. Groberg, BYU speeches 1984

"Prayer: A Small and Simple Thing"
Virginia H. Pierce, BYU Women's Conference 2011

Something feels right!

It has been a while since I have posted on this blog. I have thought about different posts I could write and I have even sat down to work on a couple of different posts but I sit and nothing comes from my brain out through my fingertips. I refuse to write just to write. So my thoughts have been that I would wait until something felt right. :) Oh I can post little snippets on facebook each day and I can send off an email here and there but this blog is different. This blog is about Jesus Christ and our relationship with Him. I won't fill this blog with stuff for the sake of stuff...

To be fair to myself...I have been super busy the past few months. As I look back on all that I have been involved in, I see the Hand of the Lord in all of it. He has given me so many opportunities to grow. So many! He has blessed me so much! (That doesn't mean it has all been easy, it just means I see that He has been with me.) I would love to sit down and write about some of these experiences on this blog but the posts would be miles long. I will write about a couple of them in the next few days...maybe.

Today, however, I'll just start from right now...

I have a picture of the Savior that I keep right by the computer. He is constantly looking at me as I type. It used to make me feel uncomfortable to look over and see Him watching me. Not because I was doing anything wrong, but you probably know how I feel. He can see straight through me and what if He doesn't like what He sees? That used to be what would go through my mind. Now, however, I have become comfortable with Him there. I know He sees every single bit of me - the good the bad and the ugly.  I gotta tell ya, it is nice to have Him there, someone who knows me really well AND still loves me. So I glance at the picture of Him often as I'm on the computer each day studying, corresponding, working and discovering. I look at Him for approval or encouragement or answers or comfort or just to feel loved.

Hey, I'll take a picture of my surroundings so you can know what I'm talking about...

So, this is what I'm surrounded with right now. I'm working on a lesson for church this coming Sunday so there are my scriptures and notebook.  I've committed to reading 5 verses in the Book of Mormon in Spanish every day so that's there (Although it doesn't happen every day!)  The reading glasses that I mysteriously needed over night once I turned 40 a year ago are there in the picture! You see my phone, which is always close by in case my children's school calls. Yes, of course, snacks - chips and chocolate (You can't see the chocolate). Guess what...behind me my dishes are done and the kitchen is somewhat clean right now. Yay!! But there are beds to be made and stacks of laundry down the hall. I'm super proud of myself for making it to the gym this morning (so I could eat more chocolate), but I'm still in my stinky gym clothes which means I haven't taken a shower yet. (Be glad you can't smell through the computer!) Plus I have a gazillion other projects and commitments waiting in line for my attention.

But right now, as I look over at the picture of Jesus next to me, my heart wants to take a moment just to publically say that I love Him. I know that Jesus is the Christ. I know that He lived on this earth and that he suffered and died for each of us. I know that He understands every single bit of pain and suffering that we endure - every single bit of it.

I have had moments while sitting at this computer when I have looked over at the picture of Jesus and I knew He understood me - even though someone else misunderstood me. I have had moments while sitting at this computer when I have looked over at the picture of Jesus and I felt Him just love me with no limitations or stipulations or expectations. I have had moments while sitting at this computer when I have looked over at the picture of Jesus and my heart swelled with love for Him...like right now.

I hope you can feel that too.

I wrote that I know Jesus lived and that he suffered and died for us. I want to also say that I know He will return. I know He will return. I don't know when that will be. I don't know if it will be in my lifetime or not. I just know He will return. 


"For I know that my redeemer liveth, and that he shall stand at the latter day upon the earth..." (Job 19:25)

Until then I will try to continue to follow Nephi's example...

 "And we talk of Christ, we rejoice in Christ, we preach of Christ, we prophesy of Christ, and we write according to our prophecies, that our children may know to what source they may look for a remission of their sins."
 (2nd Nephi 25:26)

I am not the perfect writer. My grammer stinks sometimes. I am not a perfect person - trust me!! I make mistakes and don't always practice what I preach. I'm trying though. I do, however, have faith in the One who is perfect and the One who never made a mistake and the One who forgives me every day. The One who is patient and merciful and loves me. I will keep writing about Him. :)

A Thank You Note - 30 years overdue

This is a repost from last year at this same time. The message from this post has been running through my mind lately so I thought I would share this one again...

When I was 5-years-old my dad died. I am the oldest child. My little brother was 2 and my mom was 3 months pregnant with my little sister. Like most women of her generation, my mom had stopped going to college in order to raise a family. That is completely okay. In her situation, however, it left her with no employable skills.

She did all she could to stay home with us and support us but there was never ever enough money to even have the basic necessities some of the time.  There are so many stories to tell - some of them miraculous - some of them very sad.

A miraculous story has been occupying my thoughts lately...

One spring when I was about 9 or 10-years-old, our roof began to leak. I remember about 5 or 6 buckets sitting in strategic places throughout the house to catch the drips of water from the melting snows and spring rains. 

We desperately needed a new roof but there was absolutely no money for a roof. We couldn't even afford food most of the time. How in the world were we going to afford a roof?

The summer came. It was a dry summer. The whole of Northern Utah was probably praying for rain, but my mom was praying that it would not rain. We did not need to worry about our roof during the summer. But when fall came, my mom knew something would need to be done or our roof would not make it through the winter.

 We prayed - a lot.

One Sunday, the Bishop of our congregation approached my mom to tell her that a man at church had given him a large sum of money and told him that it was to be used specifically for our roof.

It was a miracle - but that was only the beginning...

Very early, one fall morning, about 20 men from church showed up and stayed until the sun went down putting a whole new roof on our little house.

I will forever have etched in my memory the scene of those 20 men on my roof, working hard, talking, laughing,  hammering away.

If I could write a thank you note to everyone who participated in this miracle, this is what I would say...

Dear whomever you are,


Thirty years ago you helped put a new roof on my family's home. You probably don't remember, but I do. I was 9-years-old. My family had no money but we were in desperate need. 

One of you paid for that roof. I have no idea who you are. I know Who does know who you are and I hope and pray that our Savior gave you many, many blessings for your sacrifice. You did so much more than just donate some money. Your generosity inspired about 20 other men to join you in this service - who in turn, inspired me.


See, what you didn't realize was that there was a little 9-year-old red headed girl watching all of you that day. Watching you and learning from you. You thought you were just putting on a roof but you were doing so much more. You were teaching me what it means to be a disciple of Jesus Christ.


I understand now that there were wives at home with honey-do-lists of their own for you to do and children who would have loved to spend time with their dad. My gratitude extends to their sacrifices as well. The lessons they unknowingly taught me that day, have influenced my life also.

Thank you. Much of who I am today, is due to the powerful examples of every day people like yourselves who are just doing their best to serve our Savior and make it Home. May the Lord bless each of you because I know that He knows exactly who you are, where you are and what you need. Just like He knew that my little family needed a new roof. He also knew that a little 9-year-old girl would someday draw great strength from your service. He was taking care of us then and He was setting up the framework for lessons in the future.


With eternal gratitude,
The little red headed girl


“God does watch over us and does notice us, but it is usually through someone else that he meets our needs.”

― Spencer W. Kimball

My hour on a bench with a homeless man...

I was having a rough day.

I needed to get outside of myself and serve someone. I've learned that works the best sometimes. You know, the whole "lose yourself" thing.

My kids and I made cookies and I thought we could take them around to some people for fun. I thought about who might need a plate of cookies today. I'm sure there are many people, but my mind was blank. Nada.

It was a Sunday. My husband was out of town and my children had oodles of energy (that is a huge understatement). I needed to get out of the house but still no ideas were coming to my brain of whom I could serve.

All I could think of was to go to the park.

"But it's Sunday." I told myself. "You don't usually do things like that on Sunday."
"Go to the park." The little voice inside of me said.

"What the heck." I thought. "Heavenly Father knows how energetic my kids are. He sent them to me. Maybe the park is just what we need."

So off we went.

We went to our "secret park". The one that doesn't usually have very many kids but has fun playground equipment.

Sure enough. No one was there. We were kinda excited to have the whole park to ourselves. I did notice one man on a bench near by but no other kids. I had grabbed a copy of one of my favorite books, "Where the Red Fern Grows", on the way out the door and I was excited to sit in the sun and read.

But the man started talking to me.

He was smiling at the kids and laughing at their silliness. He looked over at me and said, "I sure miss my kids at that age."

I inquired as to the number of children he has and their whereabouts. He proudly told me of his very successful children, a lawyer, a CEO and...something else, I forget. All of them live far away in other states and then he said, "But they don't have much to do with their dad nowadays. I can't blame them one bit."

I moved a little closer to the man and got a better look at him. His skin was weathered. His hair needed washing. His clothes were well taken care of but rumpled. He had a bicycle with a little trailer hooked on the back and a dog, who seemed as loyal as they come.

He was wearing a military green sweatshirt with the initials MCAS (Marine Corps Air Station) on the front. I thought maybe he had been a Marine. I pointed out the insignia on his shirt. He laughed. He said, "No, on me that stands for "Misguided Careless Aimless Soul ". I didn't know how to respond to that but I felt something tell me to keep talking to this man and so I put my book down and asked him a couple more questions until he started talking and I just listened.

What followed was an incredible story of a once very successful man who had made a few wrong choices financially just when the economy was taking a nose dive. He had lost his business, his house and his wife in the process. In fact, coincidentally (remember there are no coincidences) exactly one year ago today, he had set out on his homeless journey. I could tell that the significance of that anniversary was weighing on him. He had hoped to be in a completely different situation by now but he is actually in worse circumstances today than a year ago.

He isn't penniless, he assured me. Just almost. He isn't completely down for the count. Just almost. He still has some hopes and plans of what he might be able to do. I sensed his independence and his personal dignity and so I didn't offer him any money or food (not that I had any with me) Where were those cookies I had made?! Why had I left them at home? He probably would have enjoyed some homemade cookies. :(
 
After about an hour, he started to pack up his bike to head out. It was a chilly day and he needed to find a place to sleep for the night.

As he was getting on his bike I went over to shake his hand. He looked at me and said, "Thanks for listening to me. No one has talked to me like I'm worth anything for longer than I can remember." I told him that I know we all have a story to share and I had wanted to hear his. I thanked him for being willing to share and then I...hesitated.

I wanted to offer him some kind of hope, but he had rejected my questions about religion. He has had some bad experiences with Christians trying to push God onto him, or at least that is his interpretation. I got the feeling that he thinks God pretty much doesn't care for him.

I had already said a couple of little prayers that the Holy Ghost would help me know what to say to this man. So, in these last moments, I wanted to give him something. All I could think of to say was, "Do you mind if I pray for you sometimes?"

To my surprise, his eyes welled with tears. He didn't say "yes", but he didn't say "no" either. He just kind of shook his head up and down and then hopped on his bike. I told him I would. He very quietly said, "Thank you."

And then he was on his way.

The man's name is Thomas.  Will you pray for him too? Will you pray that God will lead him physically and spiritually to a better place? Will you help me pray that Thomas will know when God is guiding him. Will you help me pray that Thomas will someday know God loves him? Can you imagine what could happen for Thomas if everyone who reads this would start praying for Thomas? Miracles! I've never done this before, but will you forward this link to anyone whom you think might be willing to pray for Thomas? Or at least, tell someone else the story? Thomas needs our prayers.

Now, lest you think, this post is about how I listened to a homeless man, let me tell you what impressed me the most about Thomas. He was sincerely interested in me as well. Not in a scary, steal-my-identity kind of way. I felt very safe and also very touched that in this homeless man's sorrow and hardship, he showed genuine interest in my life. I was impressed. He offered a listening ear to me, just as I had listened to him.

I was reminded of this quote by Neal A. Maxwell,

 "Empathy during agony is a portion of divinity." 

Thomas has a portion of divinity within him. Of course he does. He is God's son. No one's financial or socioeconomic status negates the divinity within each of us.

Maybe Thomas needed someone to listen to him today,
 but I needed someone to listen to me as well.

I met the Savior on a park bench today. 

I hope Thomas did too. 

He and I both need Jesus Christ. We all need Jesus Christ. We can find Him in magnificent ways and we can find Him in simple, quiet ways as well.

I feel a comforting feeling that Thomas is on his own path. He may be homeless but he is not worthless or forgotten. I will pray that his path will lead him to the Savior. What is that quote by Tolkien:

"All that is gold does not glitter, not all those who wander are lost."

Thomas is not lost. There is One who knows exactly where he is.

I found out, again, that the Savior knows where I am too. :)

I asked Heavenly Father tonight to help me remember to pray for Thomas for the rest of my life. Do you think that is a realistic request? I think it is. I hope to meet Thomas again someday. Maybe we won't meet again until after this life. Do you think there are park benches in the Spirit World? I'll look for him there.